Proactive vs Reactive
Is conflict part of a loving relationship? Of course! The only people who never have conflict are afraid of it and avoid it unnaturally. In fact, almost every person I’ve ever met has tons of conflict within themselves. The conflicts within ourselves come out in all negative emotions: anger, fear, anxiety, guilt, unhappiness— and anything other than absolute love. If you add another person to this, of course there is going to be conflict, so don’t fear it. You can try to run from it, but it will just be there in the next relationship. The only thing you can plan for is how to respect and care for one another despite the conflict.
Learning the personality types in my book will show you that we are absolutely different from each other, yet absolutely need one another, and thus the source of the conflict.
Proactive vs Reactive
When a disagreement comes up, ask yourself if you are being Reactive or Proactive? Am I leading, or am I just fighting? When you fight, it is better to speak with your focus on the commitments you have for harmony rather than typical reactive behavior. Ask yourself, based on the way you are speaking, is this the man/woman I want to be?
Also speak to your partner’s commitments rather than their behavior. If you know they are committed to the relationship, you can respond rationally without worrying that your differing opinion will drive them away. When you know you are acting responsibly and are grounded in your position, as well as have the best interests of both of you in mind, there is no need for aggression.
Being proactive means taking leadership and protective, rather than aggressive towards others. Being proactive means monitoring how you accept something. Do you see things people say as something personal, as them trying to control you, or as them just seeking love in their own way?
Awareness of when you are reactive will automatically help you to stop reacting. Even within conflict, it is possible for both parties to remain connected until one or both partners react.
On page 201 in “The Power of Personality Types in Love and Relationships,” there is a questionnaire to show whether you are being proactive or reactive and how to change that.
Reaction and Control
Becoming aware of how reactive versus proactive you are, will be a good indicator if you are trying to control the outside versus the inside. If you are trying to control the outside, you will get mad, frustrated, make drama, and be abusive to others. This often results in unworthiness and depression because you are trying to force a change that is not happening.
Within this, it is very important in a healthy relationship to still be expressed and not avoid conflict. For this reason, the Communication Exercises in Chapter 11 (See blog here) are designed to allow for full expression with both partners feeling heard while remaining completely proactive even within emotional conflicts.
Click here for Part 2 of Communication
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The Power of Personality Types in Love and Relationships: Build a Great Relationship with the Right Partner and Stop Wasting Time on the Wrong one
