Finding compassion
Summary – In order to maintain a healthy relationship it is necessary to give up your self-righteousness. Here is how to do it.
How to give up being right
In part one, we talked about how a relationship can be defined by a couple’s ability to give up their self-righteousness. Now although you may agree that giving up your point is important it’s still not easy. Here are four points on how to do it.
1. The first and most important is finding compassion for the other person.
– In a small situation like an argument with your partner you can work to see their point of view.
Try to know how they are seeking love in their own way. Be empathetic towards them. (See communication exercises 1-7 in chapter 11 in “The Power of Personality Types”)
– In a bigger example such as holding onto an issue with parents over how they treated you growing up. It is the similar. If you were beaten, for example, think of how anxious and in pain they were and did not know what else to do. What exactly was their financial, or marital situation? What kind of guidance were they given? What shame or disappointments were they facing? What was their upbringing like? I mentioned in another blog that the weapons that were used against us are what we use against others. So what that means is if your parents were beating you, they were most probably being beaten themselves. Stopping this cycle of abuse in your own life is what I call evolution. This might not be easy to do, but it will benefit you, not them. In bigger examples like this it often requires the help of a professional or a lot of work to move beyond it.
– In any instance, in order to release your self-righteousness in a disagreement, compassion is required. Thinking of their side, is the number one thing that allows you to move off your point of view. People often judge others by their actions while we judge ourselves by our intentions. When we start judging others by their intentions and being more conscious of our actions we become much happier.
– Giving up your point of view also includes stopping yourself from looking for evidence as to why you are right.
2. Recognize what you are holding on to as part of your past and realize that thinking of it doesn’t allow you to be in the present or the now. Any time you are in upset or anger you are in the past and away from anything that is going to help your happiness now.
3. How has this experience made you better? Notice the Yin-Yang energy. In every bad situation, there are positive things that came out of them. Identifying this early or simultaneously will help you move on from feeling bad about it.
4. Contribute – How can you, or how are you contributing with this experience in your life. Extreme example is how drug addicts become the best counselors.
Keys to letting go:
– Finding Compassion
– Recognizing it as part of the past.
– Find how this experience has made you better.
– Find out how to contribute with the experience.
Remember:
– The only thing that can transcend self-righteousness is being in love.
– Remember the person who apologizes first is not necessarily wrong, but they are supporting their relationship more than their argument.
More on letting go of self-righteousness can be found in my book as well as essential communication exercises to help you and your partner move through disagreements.
Still having trouble giving up your position? See Part 3 here
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