Overcoming Arguments with Appreciation
Conflict and Appreciation
Overcoming arguments in a relationship can be easier if you understand why they exist. The level of appreciation felt in intimate relationship decides how much conflict will exist between the couple. We have all had relationships (either family, friends, or intimate) where we have felt 100% appreciation and gratitude from the other person. This person could say and do almost whatever they want and we don’t feel the need to be defensive or for self-protection.
Unfortunately we’ve all also had the opposite type where we’ve felt zero appreciation from our partner and we constantly have the feeling of a need for self-protection. This is because whatever this person says to us, we can take the wrong way even if it isn’t mean that way.
The solution to this is to offer appreciation to our partner, so that they don’t feel defensive at all. Appreciation for others can and should be offered at any time, even in the middle of any conversation. You should only know how much I appreciate you reading this blog and sharing the information with your loved ones. It brings me such joy to know in some way I am making a difference in the happiness of others. When you do this people don’t feel a need to defend themselves against you in any situation, they support what you want, and you both feel better!
If this is not typical of your pattern in intimate relationships, then give yourself reminders to do this. Leave a note if it’s hard to say it, send a text or email, work your way out of a conflicting or stale relationship with appreciation for your own happiness. It also inspires others to do the same. It can even be done in the middle of an argument. It is the opposite of taking one another for granted, which often is the biggest problem in stale relationships.
When in serious conflict every word said counts. That means anything can easily set the other person off (especially if they are feeling low appreciation). The path back to harmony and getting your partner to listen to you is found in listening to them. They will know you are listening if you repeat their point. This is done by waiting to make your point and repeating what they just said and let them absorb what you just did. Then you can proceed with making your point. A full explanation of this communication exercise is explained in chapter 11 of, “The Power of Personality Types, in Love and Relationships,” along with six other exercises.
Constant complaining is another thing that lowers appreciation. It never helps, and doesn’t motivate the other person to change anything. Complaints should be turned into how you feel with requests for something to change, and is better accompanied by appreciation. This is not easy to do because probably you are not feeling any appreciation yourself but in order to get it you have to give some and little by little things will get better.
More blogs like this, on relationships and my book can be found by clicking the tab above entitled: "Relationships 101" or by clicking here.